Good evening and welcome to my lecture. For those who lack knowledge my name is Professor Singen Smedley and I am a vastly erudite and important scholar.
This evening I will be lecturing you on the topic – how we became enlightened.
Many years ago western people were not enlightened. They were in thrall to superstitious beliefs about God and the gods. Tragically our ancestors lacked a scientific and technological mastery of nature.
This was horrible and life was insufferable. Superstition took many forms. There were those who believed that trees should be worshipped. Indeed the Druids would sacrifice children to the oak god. Such primitive people were not enlightened at all. There were also primitive people who believed in God and in the teachings of the Bible. Again these people were not enlightened.
And then something truly remarkable transpired. Man discovered science. You see science is the detached and objective study of nature. Science is always true. It is always faithful. It always keeps its wonderful promises.
During this wonderful period of scientific awakening, man discovered the truly awesome power of technology. Science helps us to know all things. And her comely sister Technology allows us to do all things.
This is so vital and important because nature resists us in so many ways. We need to conquer her, ravish her, and plunder her of all her secret riches. This is enlightenment.
But there is a third stage to enlightenment that is often forgotten. Why do we crave science? Why do we crave technological power? The answer is terribly simple. These two delightful ladies allow us to conquer nature and so to discover the wonderful delights of constant and unrelenting consumption. This is the wonder of our western consumer paradise.
Western people no longer struggle for the riches of nature. Go to your local Tesco supermarket and you will be able to sate all your deepest cravings. Cravings for marmalade. Cravings for hot curry powder. Cravings for malt whiskey.
And of course now one can enjoy the most wonderful cruises all over the Caribbean. It's almost impossible to become bored in this consumer paradise… of course as long as one has sufficient funds for your pleasures, tipples and cravings.
It's absolutely marvelous being enlightened. Only the other day I spent three thousand pounds on some new golf clubs and I will be flying to Spain on my private jet and in Spain I will have many episodes of sensual pleasure. I will quaff San Miguel lager, stuff my face with paella. And probably if I am in the mood I will crack jokes about Jimmy Tarbuck and Bruce Forsythe…amusing members of the lower orders
Let me repeat my central thesis. Why are we so enlightened? In the beginning was science and she has made us all-knowing. Then her comely and shapely sister Technology arrived. She has made us all-powerful.
Finally in these end times the glories of the free market have liberated all of us to find pleasure and satiation in constant consumption of inane consumer durables.