Gertrude and Samantha had been pals for many years. Both had attended the famous Cheltenham Ladies College that had instilled in them a profound respect for knowledge and learning. Both ladies had been recently widowed and their financial autonomy and security had aroused a delicious longing to explore the British Empire. Their intention had been to visit chums in Canada but the USA seemed like an excellent hors d’hoevres before the main course. Instructions were issued to servants and bags were packed.
They had been impressed by the standard of haute cuisine that was their daily fare on the good ship Titanic. The truffles had reminded the two ladies of their recently deceased husbands. Both men had been notoriously restrained and subdued in the culinary sphere of life. Plain food was de rigeur and Samantha chortled as she recalled Bernard’s austere and imperious demands. Lisping with evident delight she confided to her friend.
“Bernard was such an old chump and it’s impossible to describe the dreadful food we were obliged to guzzle in our tedious and loveless marriage. Gertrude, can you imagine that for years we ate the most appalling porkpies and slivers of revolting liver? It came as such a shock when I discovered that hubby was worth more than two hundred thousand pounds. There simply was no point to his insistence that one should shovel offal down our throats.”
Gertrude was slightly tipsy but she managed to steer her comments in the right direction. “Men are so beastly. Reginald was always moaning about the food bills and we were only allowed meat twice a week. Pork pies were ubiquitous, and, although they are egregiously vulgar, I quite enjoy them with copious quantities of Dijon mustard. Imagine my astonishment when the family solicitor informed me that Reggie had left me three hundred thousand pounds!”
Samantha was slurring her words as she greedily slurped her sixth glass of champagne. Her mood was bellicose and belligerent. “Let us promise each other that we will plunder all our husbands’ filthy lucre and dedicate the remainder of our lives to pleasure, leisure and gluttony. Fat aristocratic women we shall be!”
Gertrude was a sanguine and cheerful widow and impulsively she decided to spill the beans about her romantic musings. She spoke softly. “I may be an old dowager but I’ve taken quite a shine to that handsome captain of ours. How I adored his witty and urbane speech about this wonderful ship. He was simply god-like when he told us that the ship was unsinkable. ‘Titanic is a symbol of man’s struggle and conquest over nature’ he said. ‘There is nothing that man cannot do aided with modern science and industry. And that’s why it’s such a waste of deck space to have all these ridiculous lifeboats!’ How drole! How charming!”
Samantha was clearly peeved by these indelicate comments and she scowled at her oldest and dearest friend. “How naïve and trusting you are, Gertie, old girl. I have recently been studying the German philosopher, Arthur Schopenhauer, and he would rebuke you heartily for your misplaced optimism. As you know full well, I have been married to some dreadful men and I have concluded, with Arthur firmly on my side, that man is a miserable and venomous worm. In his better moments he escapes boredom by indulging in shameful, sensual pleasures. He gambles, fornicates and imbibes vast quantities of brandy but his craven cravings are never fully satisfied. In his darker moments he is overwhelmed by the boredom and futility of life.”
Gertrude was astonished to hear her friend voicing such unusual ideas and opined limply: “Putting our husbands aside for a moment, Man, in the sense of humanity, is immensely decent and virtuous. Just look at this magnificent boat. It’s an absolute cracker and clear, tangible evidence that progress has arrived. Before long we will all live in a perfect world where everyone, even foreigners and the working classes, will enjoy astonishing prosperity and oodles of leisure and pleasure.”
Samantha was unimpressed by this back-handed return. “Only fools dream of perfect societies, Gertrude. Life is deeply steeped in suffering and we cannot escape from it. Our entrance to it takes place amid tears and at bottom its course is always tragic. Our only hope is to listen to the great composers, Wagner and Beethoven, for example, and enjoy momentary respite from our terrible sufferings. Man is a beast and a vile cur. Don’t you remember the terrible beatings we endured from our hideous husbands and isn’t that why we laced their porkpies with arsenic? At last we are free but don’t speak to me about man’s virtue and decency. All men are cads and we women are not much better.”
Just then the Titanic crashed into a huge iceberg. Both women were drowned and their conversation was completely forgotten.
Mark is a lively storyteller and the author of four books, including The Spy, the Rat and the Bed of Nails: Creative Ways of Talking about Christian Faith. His work is focused on storytelling and how this can help us to communicate the Christian faith. He has written many articles for the Baptist Times, RE Today, Youthscape, Direction magazine and the Christian Teachers Journal.
- Two Ladies on the Titanic - August 29, 2026
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